Friday, January 13, 2006

A cheeky rebuttal that cracks me up

Gratefully, not all of the embarrassing tales are mine. Since he was good enough to leave a comment I will now tell one of my favorite Mike stories. This should be fun. I can enjoy all of the hilarity of the situation without any of the anguish that comes from my own memories. Anyone who has spent much time with me in meatspace has probably already heard this one. The conversation probably went something like this:

Anyone who knows me (AWKM): Jonnyten, why are you laughing so hard? Nobody said anything.

Jonnyten: Sorry, sorry nothing.

AWKM: Nobody laughs that hard at nothing! What happened.

And then I say:

Okay. When I was in high school my buddy Mike got tickets to go see the Star Wars movies for his birthday. And no, by the way I was not in high school from 1977 to 1984. This was before George Lucas screwed up his original Star Wars films. They were as they had been created, you know, perfect. Studio 28 in Grand Rapids was having a showing of the entire trilogy, back to back, in theater 1. I was so geeked to see them all on the big screen!

So we’re sitting there, towards the back. Mike was sitting on my left and he was talking to someone on his left. So his head was facing away. Well this rather large woman went to sit down behind us. She took off her jacket and was trying to set it in the seat or something. I am not sure what she was up to, but she was working pretty hard at it. It consumed all of her focus and she forgot her surroundings.

As she worked, her prodigious rear end pushed its way into my field of vision like a sunrise over my shoulder. I stared, incredulous. Her derrière was almost resting on Mike’s shoulder and mine. It was huge and it was covered in her navy blue sweatpants. (They were in fact blue although to this day Mike remembers them as being black for reasons which will become obvious as I continue.)

I started to laugh and couldn’t believe Mike hadn’t noticed it yet. He was happily talking away to his friend next to him as the Globeous Maximus hovered by his ear like a vagabond moon. It was too much. I thought it was hysterical and I wanted Mike to see so that he could laugh with me. I tapped him on his shoulder.

Upon retrospect that might have made me partially responsible for what happened next. In my defense, however, I should first note that I could not have told him what was happening without letting the poor unfortunate owner of that caboose overhear me and thereby become embarrassed. I should further note in my continuing defense, that I had expected his head to behave normally when his shoulder was stimulated. When I say normally what I mean is that I expected his head to swivel upon the top of his neck thereby giving him a view of the gently intruding badunkakunk. What I had not expected was that he would pivot at the waist, swinging his head in a wide arc to face me.

The arc terminated by inserting his face well into the cheek closest to him. Only that cheek compressed, while the other remained bulbous. I think that is why it looked to me like Mike had only half a face as he screamed.

That was so funny. I am cracking up as I write this 6 or 7 years later. He just stuck his face right in her butt! I can’t stop laughing at it. Every time I remember it I crack up.

OK! Deep breath. Whew.

OK so that’s it. He stuck his face in a big old be-sweat-panted butt that had more than a passing resemblance to the Grand Canyon for all it’s nooks and crannies. I can only imagine what it felt like from Mike’s perspective. It probably was suddenly night. I don’t know if it was warm or cold or which would be worse. I will leave it to Mike to fill in what detail he recalls as he is able to overcome his defense mechanisms to remember. The only way it could possibly have been any funnier is if she had cut one right across his mouth as he was screaming.

If you are worrying about the poor woman I will just say that she didn’t react in the least. She continued to work at her seat and finally sat in it without making a sound. This either means that she was aware and felt too embarrassed to say anything, or that Mike’s face hit in a spot between nerve endings and she did not feel his impression upon her hiney.

Update:
I forgot to mention one of the funniest parts. Mike was still grinning from his conversation with his buddy on the other side when his face entered the buttock. I got to watch the unfolding emotions across his features as he suffered a complete failure of composure. They went thusly: The cheese eating grin fell off his face quickly as it was replaced by confusion, this flowed quite naturally into the open mouth of shock and then as realization crept in horror and acceptance as signified by the scream. It took a while to read all that but it happened with hilarious speed while at the same time each individual expression was distinct. Or maybe it was instinct. Or maybe her endstinct.

8 Comments:

Blogger Sooze said...

That was perhaps THE funniest thing I have EVER read in my ENTIRE life. You brought tears to my eyes (good tears...) I can't even imagine hearing you tell the story in person....I would definitely wet my pants (hey, what can I say, I have had 3 kids....)

2:38 PM, January 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I suppose you all thought this story was funny. If anything would put a damper on the enjoyment of watching for the first time the Star Wars trilogy on the big screen (which was a birthday present from my mom by the way) of which Jon had the privilege of being invited because I had an extra set of tickets, it would be being neck deep in someone's poop tube. In the neighborhood of a millisecond I went from happy to suffocating with a little bit of confusion, despair, and embarassment mixed in for flavor.
Ha Ha.

-Mike

2:50 PM, January 13, 2006  
Blogger Jonny10 said...

Sooze,

I just wish my wife laughed at my blog as much as she laughs at yours. :) She just loves your blog.

Mike,

I know you were a little bummed out, but face it, it all turned out ok in the end.

2:55 PM, January 13, 2006  
Blogger nicolas said...

Ah, memories do rear their ugly heads from time to time...but this one really cracks me up!

7:44 AM, January 19, 2006  
Blogger nicolas said...

Sorry, I had assumed that the word "crack" hadn't been used yet. I apologize!

4:22 PM, January 22, 2006  
Blogger Jonny10 said...

That's okay Nick. I'll turn the other cheek on that one. Butyou know, these blog comments are recorded for all posterior!

3:40 PM, January 23, 2006  
Blogger nicolas said...

I had a haunch you would forgive me (okay, I'm really starting to hit bottom with these! I just don't want to get left behind. It's a fundamental agreement that I believe we have...)

Here's one that's really reaching, but I can't help myself now:

Do you have your home mortgage through Fannie Mae?

I've also been trying to figure out how to incorporate "rump", but I just can't do it.

I'm hoping you caught the other reference two posts above, but I didn't want to put what you might consider a swear on your page. But if Jesus can tie one to a tree, then it can't really be a swear, can it? I assume you know what I'm talking about?


Well...back to my homework!

5:39 PM, January 23, 2006  
Blogger Jonny10 said...

This post is kicking up quite a rumpus.

And yes, I do give you credits for the camouflaged pun, and extra credits for your discretion.

As far as that syllable goes I think you can assume that it is not a swear insofar as it applies to donkeys (or is it donkies?). It should be taken as a swear when it refers to part of the human anatomy or a person who produces behavior that is received in the same way as the products of that particular part.

Although I should note that it has become a suffix, a prefix and at times a proper noun in the scope of our lifetimes and I wonder whether it will even be considered a swearword to our children. It might be the new 'butt.'

In any case I am now awaiting an opportunity. I have come up with a witty retort to a specific injunction and all that remains is for someone to utter it to me.

8:07 AM, January 24, 2006  

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