Monday, April 10, 2006

First Impressions

Okay Depresso McDownerbummer, make with the funny! Alright, alright already.

In my former post I mentioned a suite. That is the Siamese twin of the dormitory, or if you prefer, two dorm rooms conjoined at the bathroom. Here is an example I drew from a rough memory of the layout of our room. The four of us guys decided to put all of the beds in one room so that the other room could serve as a commons area for fellowship and outreach. The desk opposite the couch had a Television and a Nintendo as well as a Playstation attached to it. Also the beds were single sized, but bunked one atop the other, not queen sized as the Visio graphic would have it. Those arrangements are not necessary to this tale, but pay specific attention to the bathroom array as this is where the humiliation manifested itself.

Particularly notice the advent of not one but two means of entry into the bathroom as well as the horribly inadequate "privacy wall" that does not even cover the entire toilet, much less the occupant.

It was the first few days of the year. We had moved into the dorm rooms, but classes had not yet begun. We were getting comfortable in the dorm, but had not yet had time to purchase a shower curtain and rod to hang beside the toilet. I was making use of the toilet at the time and not in the standy-uppy way either. As I sat there the little wall came about to the point a pair of briefs would on my leg, leaving almost the entire pale hairy length of my thigh and my subsequent calves and the pants and underwear bunched around my feet open to view.

As anyone who has read this far in my blog knows, I tend to have privacy issues in the bathroom. If you have missed that defining characteristic, I redirect you to my first post, Wash That Stylus. That being the case I had made sure to close both doors to the site of my necessary activities in the hopes that in such a manner I might avoid mortification. Just as I was getting comfortable my roommate Eric entered the bathroom.

"Hey man, you don't mind if I brush my teeth real quick do you?" he said.

Actually I did mind, but I said nothing and so he started. Though I was in place to do what I came there for I held it until Eric was done brushing and I heard him leave. Finally in my safe cocoon of silence I started to go.

About halfway in I heard voices outside of one of the doors. If you will refer to the graphic, it was the door on the left side provided your monitor is sitting upright on your desktop and you are not lying on your back as you read this or anything. You will notice that this is the door that is all the way across the bathroom from me.

I peered around and saw my other roommate, Jason talking to two very attractive Freshman girls. (Both Jason and I were single at this time.) There names escape me now so let's just call them Ashleigh and Chelsea. Nobody looked toward me and I tried to beam the imperative into Jason's mind to shut the door without drawing attention to myself.

"You want to hang out? Come on in!" Jason said and they all went in to the commons area. I sat there frozen with fear. My first instinct was to jump up and hop to the door to shut it, but I could hear them and they hadn't sat down, they were moving around, checking out the room and talking. The horror at having one of those pretty girls coming around the corner just as I hopped, hobbled by my pants around my ankles, and naked from the waist down toward her was enough to keep me riveted to the seat. I did not want to pull up my pants yet for reasons which are both obvious and unmentionable, but I dare not take care of the problem because with no wall covering it would be even worse if they rounded the corner to that than to see a half naked man hopping towards them. There was nothing to do but just hope to wait it out. Then I heard Jason say this-

"Woah. That definitely smells not-so-fresh."

"Is someone in there?" Ashleigh asks, and before I can scream or run or take my life both of them poke their heads around the corner. Jason appears next laughing and rubbing the back of his head.

"Oh. Ashleigh, Chelsea, this is Jon."

"Nice to meet you. Could somoene get the door?" I say. Jason gives me a quizzical look--as if to say whyja' start pooping with the door open?--and closes the door. I could hear Ashleigh and Chelsea apologizing to Jason that they really had to get going, but maybe they could all hang out again sometime.

Aaaaahahaaaah! I love to make a good first impression!


Blogger Lisa Block said...

To thoughts:
1. Jon, how in the world do you get yourself into these situations?
2. I love how the dorm room picture implies nice large beautiful beds that make it really feel like home. What they don't tell you is that they are really 30 year old bunk beds that have things like "Butch Wuz Here" scratched into them, with nasty stains all over them.

10:37 AM, April 13, 2006  
Blogger Lisa Block said...

Two thougts, not To thoughts...sorry.

10:37 AM, April 13, 2006  
Blogger serina said...

I so rarely laugh out loud when reading things, even funny things. But Jon, you make me risk awakening babies and stuff when I read your blog. For I laugh.

In the drawing, where's the pile-o-clothes between the beds that so nicely replaces carpet?

2:36 PM, April 14, 2006  
Anonymous Mrs. Jonny10 said...

The pile-o-clothes has migrated from the dorm to the side of our bed. I try my best to keep it small...
Mrs. Jonny10

10:23 AM, April 19, 2006  
Blogger nicolas said...

This can't be as bad as the conversations, relationship discussion, and soup preparation that went on in the Burnham's community toilets.

That's a phrase that's always sort of bugged me. There should be no such thing as a "community" toilet. There are many things that a community should share, e.g. harmony, work ethic, etc. If I were to make a list of the top ten things a community should not share, toilet would be in about seven of the top ten slots.

Out of curiosity, how DID you survive all that time in the Burnhams?

And Mrs. Jonny10...clothes on the floor are an essential part of any house. Seriously. If one puts dirty clothes directly on the floor, then the odds of creating stains on the carpet are diminshed due to the barrier that is erected. Also, you can easily see what you already have worn during the week, so by process of elimination, you can figure out what you can wear the next day. Finally, what better way to gauge whether it is time to do laundry? ("I see five pairs of underwear on the floor-I only own six; therefore, it is time to do laundry"). While this may not make much sense to you, I bet every other guy who reads this is nodding their head in stoic, solemn agreement. I don't know what the emoticon is for that, but I would put it here if I knew.

7:31 AM, April 21, 2006  
Anonymous Mrs. Jonny10 said...

I respect your response to my comment. However, I can't help but find weakness in your arguments for leaving clothes on the floor. First of all, you mention the barrier that clothes on the floor provide against stains... that may be true, but if you didn't leave your clothes on the floor, you would be much less likely to trip and spill something. Next you mention that you can see what you have worn and know when it is time to do laundry - in my experience, laundry baskets do the exact same thing, only they are neater and can be tucked away nicely in a closet. (Don't put on something that is in the laundry basket and when it is full, wash the clothes that are in the basket.)

I also found it funny that you mentioned owning 6 pairs of underwear. When Jon and I got married, he had probably around 50 pairs of underwear, 50 t-shirts, and 100 pairs of socks... I finally broke him of his habit of buying more of these essential items when I started doing his laundry regularly enough so that he didn't run out and buy more. (Of course this means I don't have to wash his underwear for weeks...)

5:39 PM, April 25, 2006  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

That's quite an embarrassing tale, Jon. Although I can't say I would have started all that business with the door open to begin with...


10:33 AM, April 27, 2006  
Blogger Jonny10 said...

That's the thing Stephanie! I didn't know that Eric had left the door open. I thought he had closed it when he left.

You're just trying to get my goat aren't you?

11:13 AM, April 27, 2006  
Blogger serina said...

50 pairs of underwear?!

4:29 AM, April 28, 2006  
Anonymous kate said...

It's true Serina, my husband owns 50 pairs, unfortunately about 45 of them are full of holes, or are so thin in the "essential areas" that it's like he's wearing baggy tissue paper. (apparently for men it doesn't matter if there are holes in your undies as long as the two important ones are intact)

(hi jon, my name is Kate and I'm andy Kelts' wife, Serina introduced me to your hilarious blog)

7:26 PM, May 09, 2006  
Blogger Jonny10 said...

Well fifty may have been a slight exaggeration, but for the females in the audience I need to explain a concept known as Bachelor Laundry. It runs something like this.

Oh shoot! I just realized I am wearing my last pair of mostly clean underwear.

Are there any I can wear again?

No, bad thought, bad thought.

I know! I'll run over to Target and buy a bag of underwear. That will give me another week before I have to do laundry.

Flash forward one week and our scene repeats itself. It's a vicious cycle.

9:36 PM, May 09, 2006  
Anonymous Mrs. Jonny10 said...

TRUTH - 51 pairs of underwear!!!

I just took the time to count all of Jon's underwear. I went through his drawer, the laundry baskets, the clean clothes I was folding, and one damp load of laundry that was in the dryer. (I actually stopped the dryer to count.)

I would be willing to bet money that there are actually more than 51 pairs of underwear - maybe some in a laundry basket that I missed or under the bed or something.

Sorry to contradict you Jon, but I knew I wasn't wrong on this.

8:32 PM, May 10, 2006  
Anonymous Mrs. Jonny10 said...

52!!!! I forgot about the pair he had on!

9:02 PM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Jonny10 said...

Laundry at the Laundromat - $3.00
Bag of underwear at Target - $6.99
Having your wife publish the amount and condition of your underwear - priceless

11:08 PM, July 27, 2006  

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