Monday, April 10, 2006

First Impressions

Okay Depresso McDownerbummer, make with the funny! Alright, alright already.

In my former post I mentioned a suite. That is the Siamese twin of the dormitory, or if you prefer, two dorm rooms conjoined at the bathroom. Here is an example I drew from a rough memory of the layout of our room. The four of us guys decided to put all of the beds in one room so that the other room could serve as a commons area for fellowship and outreach. The desk opposite the couch had a Television and a Nintendo as well as a Playstation attached to it. Also the beds were single sized, but bunked one atop the other, not queen sized as the Visio graphic would have it. Those arrangements are not necessary to this tale, but pay specific attention to the bathroom array as this is where the humiliation manifested itself.

Particularly notice the advent of not one but two means of entry into the bathroom as well as the horribly inadequate "privacy wall" that does not even cover the entire toilet, much less the occupant.

It was the first few days of the year. We had moved into the dorm rooms, but classes had not yet begun. We were getting comfortable in the dorm, but had not yet had time to purchase a shower curtain and rod to hang beside the toilet. I was making use of the toilet at the time and not in the standy-uppy way either. As I sat there the little wall came about to the point a pair of briefs would on my leg, leaving almost the entire pale hairy length of my thigh and my subsequent calves and the pants and underwear bunched around my feet open to view.

As anyone who has read this far in my blog knows, I tend to have privacy issues in the bathroom. If you have missed that defining characteristic, I redirect you to my first post, Wash That Stylus. That being the case I had made sure to close both doors to the site of my necessary activities in the hopes that in such a manner I might avoid mortification. Just as I was getting comfortable my roommate Eric entered the bathroom.

"Hey man, you don't mind if I brush my teeth real quick do you?" he said.

Actually I did mind, but I said nothing and so he started. Though I was in place to do what I came there for I held it until Eric was done brushing and I heard him leave. Finally in my safe cocoon of silence I started to go.

About halfway in I heard voices outside of one of the doors. If you will refer to the graphic, it was the door on the left side provided your monitor is sitting upright on your desktop and you are not lying on your back as you read this or anything. You will notice that this is the door that is all the way across the bathroom from me.

I peered around and saw my other roommate, Jason talking to two very attractive Freshman girls. (Both Jason and I were single at this time.) There names escape me now so let's just call them Ashleigh and Chelsea. Nobody looked toward me and I tried to beam the imperative into Jason's mind to shut the door without drawing attention to myself.

"You want to hang out? Come on in!" Jason said and they all went in to the commons area. I sat there frozen with fear. My first instinct was to jump up and hop to the door to shut it, but I could hear them and they hadn't sat down, they were moving around, checking out the room and talking. The horror at having one of those pretty girls coming around the corner just as I hopped, hobbled by my pants around my ankles, and naked from the waist down toward her was enough to keep me riveted to the seat. I did not want to pull up my pants yet for reasons which are both obvious and unmentionable, but I dare not take care of the problem because with no wall covering it would be even worse if they rounded the corner to that than to see a half naked man hopping towards them. There was nothing to do but just hope to wait it out. Then I heard Jason say this-

"Woah. That definitely smells not-so-fresh."

"Is someone in there?" Ashleigh asks, and before I can scream or run or take my life both of them poke their heads around the corner. Jason appears next laughing and rubbing the back of his head.

"Oh. Ashleigh, Chelsea, this is Jon."

"Nice to meet you. Could somoene get the door?" I say. Jason gives me a quizzical look--as if to say whyja' start pooping with the door open?--and closes the door. I could hear Ashleigh and Chelsea apologizing to Jason that they really had to get going, but maybe they could all hang out again sometime.

Aaaaahahaaaah! I love to make a good first impression!